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Posted By Discussion Topic: Some more jokes I've heard

Similar Threads That Might Help :
A Joke I've Heard (2)| Some POLITICAL Jokes I've Heard|

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KenEldridge
Jan-19-2013 @ 4:17 PM                           Permalink
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Unexpected item in bagging area


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BroadScot
Jan-22-2013 @ 10:48 PM                           Permalink
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Some new some old! lol



Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses.

Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that?

I tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they said they wouldn’t accept them. Looks like I’m saddled with them.

Husband: ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.’
Wife: ‘Why don’t you go to Tesco?’

Personally, I think people who don’t like eating horse meat are being a bit blinkered.

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?


Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb’s and some burgers. So that’s white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.



Despite the recent scandal, Tesco insist they use only meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said: ‘Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale.’


So there’s horse meat in Tesco’s burgers. Don’t worry, it’s not the mane ingredient.

Forget the Everyday Value burgers — I only eat those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d’oeuvres.

I bought some Tesco burgers — I wanted to get venison ones, but they were dead dear.

I ordered a Tesco burger the other day — but asked them to hold the dressage.

Tesco would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for the DN Neigh test.
What's the best cheese for a Tesco burger? Mask a Pony!
What do you call a burnt Tesco burger? Black Beauty.  



Iain.

Lower your windscreen!!! Ooops too late!

SternMoor
Jan-29-2013 @ 4:31 PM                           Permalink
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Very Hard to Find!


On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
  
They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St Peter arrived, they asked him.

St Peter said.  “I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.”

The couple sat and waited ...and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting.
After yet another month, St Peter finally returned, looking weary.

“Yes, he informed the couple, you can get married in Heaven.”  

“Great!”  said the couple. “But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?
Could we then get a divorce in Heaven?”  

“Jesus Christ!”  exclaims St Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

“What's wrong?”  asked the bemused couple.

“COME ON!”  St Peter shouted.  “It took me three months to find a priest up here.
Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer??”


Keith - PR4 & NR13 (11185)

"We're comin' in hot."  

"Truth is the Daughter of Time."

jaguar
Feb-10-2013 @ 4:53 PM                           Permalink
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The son of an illegal immigrant asks his dad,
"Dad, what's democracy?"
"Well, son, that's when the British work and we
get all the benefits from it!"
"But Dad, aren't the British people unhappy
about that?"
"Sure they are son, but that's called racism."

  



  





regards,Mike



chairman of cider lovers united

forum girly swot x 39

readyabout
Feb-10-2013 @ 6:26 PM                           Permalink
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BREAKING NEWS

Harry Redknapp has pleaded guilty to Chris Huhne's speeding offence.

He said he was desperate for three points.

Regards

Paul
________________________________________________________
'readyabout' - the first meaningful adult phrase from my childhood....

BroadAmbition
Feb-14-2013 @ 7:37 PM                           Permalink
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An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven..
Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been

forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals..'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall

expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought

(I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered

the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be

applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, '

how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right

through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before

I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand,

but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally,

he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name

did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...?

... you're singing it now, aren't you…??



Griff


'Broad Ambition'
Queens Diamond Jubilee Thames Pageant 2012 - H91

'Dreams do come true' - Afloat at last 06-10-07

Forum Manly Swot 30-07-10

www.grifftile.co.uk    DN9

marko
Feb-14-2013 @ 9:34 PM                           Permalink
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Oscar Pistorious has brought a whole new meaning to the words" taking the  wife out  on valentines day"

kindest regards mark summers

BroadAmbition
Feb-14-2013 @ 9:56 PM                           Permalink
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He won't have a leg to stand on in court  tounge-in-cheek


Griff

'Broad Ambition'
Queens Diamond Jubilee Thames Pageant 2012 - H91

'Dreams do come true' - Afloat at last 06-10-07

Forum Manly Swot 30-07-10

www.grifftile.co.uk    DN9

SpanishJohn
Feb-15-2013 @ 1:54 AM                           Permalink
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I bought the wife some the flowers for Valentines Day, she said " I suppose that's me with my legs in the air all weekend", I said " Dont be daft, I'll find a vase"

terryclarke
Feb-15-2013 @ 8:03 AM                           Permalink
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Oscar Pistorious must be a bit disappointed, he could have got an Olymic medal in the rifle shooting as well!!


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