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Posted By Discussion Topic: Some more jokes I've heard

Similar Threads That Might Help :
A Joke I've Heard (2)| Some POLITICAL Jokes I've Heard|

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roya
Sep-30-2007 @ 4:49 PM                           Permalink
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Ron and Scuba,
spot on more please.
Smile

roya

Bittern code 57.

Have you smiled today???
if not why not!!

    

Ronaldo
Sep-30-2007 @ 4:52 PM                           Permalink
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Tale of Two Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The
prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I
wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and
behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam
away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably
does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates
simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize

that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought

perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He
approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn
cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he
realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set
off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old
friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."










(You're going to love this.....)




















"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."


RONALDO = Long before the other one!!

roya
Sep-30-2007 @ 5:01 PM                           Permalink
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Just a thought.
Richard what about putting some of the suitable jokes on the reverse of the Broads calender pages.

Superb Broads photos with a little joke on the back.
Member input needed.

or is it a no go.

roya

Bittern code 57.

Have you smiled today???
if not why not!!

    

scuba
Sep-30-2007 @ 6:02 PM                           Permalink
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Two cargo ships collided head-on in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico.
The cargo of the eastbound ship contained machine parts, hand tools and
135,000 gallons of red paint. The westbound ship was loaded with computer
parts, electronic testers and 37,000 gallons of brown paint. Thanks to
superior survival training, not a man or officer was lost, even though both
ships split apart and sank to the bottom.

The question: what happened to the survivors before their rescue three days later?

The answer: They were all marooned!


Single young lady seeks older boat owning gentleman. Send picture of boat.

Man invented the slowest form of transportation - the sailboat - then decided to race them


________
"Accept that some days you’re the pigeon; and some days you’re the statue”. Smile

Speleologist
Sep-30-2007 @ 7:41 PM                           Permalink
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The Perfect Couple


Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect  woman met.

After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side
of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer)



















































Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.


**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling.



































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving.

This explains why there was a car accident.

Men Keep scrolling





























By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:

Women never listen!!

Robin
www.robin.me.uk

roya
Oct-01-2007 @ 3:29 PM                           Permalink
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Im going to be very naughty and make this thread sticky,cos im sure it makes folk laugh,
I have not asked permissionn to do so, so hope its ok.  Smile

roya

Bittern code 57.

Have you smiled today???
if not why not!!

    

scuba
Oct-01-2007 @ 4:10 PM                           Permalink
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The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish.

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, and stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spendmore time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles, and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen to 20 years."

"But what then, señor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your companies stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions, señor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."



________
"Accept that some days you’re the pigeon; and some days you’re the statue”. Smile

Swordfish
Oct-02-2007 @ 2:08 PM                           Permalink
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Security alerts the European Way
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists themselves have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The Swiss, as always, have taken the phone off the hook !!!


Paul

Ronaldo
Oct-02-2007 @ 3:50 PM                           Permalink
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This is my 'be nice to a blonde day'.........

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the manager.  She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs  to borrow £5,000.
The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the  loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title  and everything checks out.   The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for  using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays  the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £17.41.
The manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business,  and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we  are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found  that you are a  millionairess.  What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?'
The blonde replies...'Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £17.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

RONALDO = Long before the other one!!

HarryDaTiger
Oct-03-2007 @ 11:13 AM                           Permalink
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Having run this by 2 moderators and having edited the somewhat earthy language, I have been given the go ahead to post this. I hope you enjoy it and are not offended....

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.

Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat *rs* waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bo***ck jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were s**t, that they had attained the holy p*ss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of b******s you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom – w*****s though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of t***s.

John

This message was edited by steve on Oct-3-07 @ 9:12 PM

TerryTibbs
Oct-03-2007 @ 12:16 PM                           Permalink
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That about sums up NTL, before they were sold they were so unpopular, that they had a web site dedicated to people with NTL related problems it was called NTLHELL, it was so succesful they took it over to censor it and gain the details of the poster who they threatened to sue. They were the worst company I have ever dealt with, my experience with them was as bad if not worse than the guys in the letter.


Terry

Thankyou and goodnight, much love!

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