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Posted By Discussion Topic: Some more jokes I've heard

Similar Threads That Might Help :
A Joke I've Heard (2)| Some POLITICAL Jokes I've Heard|

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goodfortune
May-28-2011 @ 8:44 PM                           Permalink
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Mardles sometimes
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Aw, I love reading the jokes, and really appreciate the cleansing!  Thanks chaps!

Lisa, aka Scarlett or Dolly Daydream
Coastguard petition 11296

Unbelieving Girly Swot 08/04/2011, Friday the 13th/05/2011

"Zero Club" on the quiz 12/09/10, 07/01/2011 11/02/2011 - sob

BITTERN CODE 15A

pauljill
Jun-01-2011 @ 8:03 PM                           Permalink
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Did you hear the one about a man who bought a boat and thought he would still have a bank account?






sorry it does not balance.
but he still smiles (like an idiot)!!!!!!!!!!!!

sunyardarm=bliss

JoJo66
Jul-09-2011 @ 7:54 AM                           Permalink
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Texting for seniors :-

The kids have all their little SMS codes... like BFF,WTF,LOL etc so here are some codes for the seniors;

ATD - At The Doctors
BFF -  Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring The Wheelchair
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL-  Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-aid On ?
TTYL - Talk To You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To ?
GGLKI - Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In !

I'm sure a few more could be added  Playful

Regards

Jo

LS28

Save our Coastguard No 11477
Girly swot 27/5/2011

Diplomacy: the art of letting someone else get your way

BroadAmbition
Jul-09-2011 @ 12:26 AM                           Permalink
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Two bags of crisps strolling down the pavement when a chap in a car pulls up and says -

'Do you two lads want a lift?

'No thanks' says one of the bags of crisps

We're 'Walkers'


I know, just getting my coat!!


Griff

'Broad Ambition' - 'Dreams do come true' - Afloat at last 06-10-07

Forum Manly Swot 30-07-10

www.grifftile.co.uk    DN9

BroadAmbition
Jul-09-2011 @ 12:32 AM                           Permalink
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Here you are chaps, this one is bang right up to date.

Lets see if you have the cajonis to try it out, I did today to one of the ladies in our local Spar shop . . . .

'Carol - If I win the £166m on the Euro lottery, would you sleep with me for one night for £1m'?

'Yes Griff'

(I then gave her a tenner)

'What's that for Griff' she says?

'Well now we have established what type of woman you are we can haggle over the price'


I'm now in serious trouble apparently!


Griff

'Broad Ambition' - 'Dreams do come true' - Afloat at last 06-10-07

Forum Manly Swot 30-07-10

www.grifftile.co.uk    DN9

Perfectlady9
Jul-10-2011 @ 7:59 AM                           Permalink
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QUESTIONS THAT HAVE HAUNTED ME & will haunt you now as well . . .

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person
have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway..
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME cr*p, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your aSS?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Doug Hele and FB  

middlin
Jul-10-2011 @ 11:00 AM                           Permalink
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Just a few headlines I came across


Kids make nutritious snacks

Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons

Crack found in man's buttocks

President wins budget; more lies ahead

Local high school drop outs cut in half

Typhoon rips through cemetery - hundreds dead

Man struck by lightning faces battery charge

New study of obesity looks for larger test group

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike Says

One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers

Fish need water, Fed says

Astronaut takes blame for gas in space

Alton attorney accidentally sues himself

Plane too close to ground, crash probe told

Miners refuse to work after death

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

Stolen painting found by tree

Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout

War dims hope for peace

If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while

17 remain dead in morgue shooting spree

Coach fire - passengers safely alight

Grandmother of eight makes a hole in one

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say

Police begin campaign to run down Jaywalkers

Drunks get nine months in violin case

Eastern head seeks arms

Prostitutes appeal to religious Leader


Fair t Middlin
One day, my ship will come in. And with my luck, I'll be waiting at the airport!




Sharon&Tony
Jul-30-2011 @ 12:54 PM                           Permalink
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He's My Brother

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.


The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either." LOL

Sharon & Tony

Is it Pimms O'Clock yet ?

BroadAmbition
Aug-01-2011 @ 9:13 AM                           Permalink
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LIFE EXPLAINED:-


On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be slaving in the sun (Well rain then)
Are you on the front porch?


Griff


'Broad Ambition' - 'Dreams do come true' - Afloat at last 06-10-07

Forum Manly Swot 30-07-10

www.grifftile.co.uk    DN9

This message was edited by BroadAmbition on Aug-1-11 @ 9:14 AM

Speleologist
Aug-01-2011 @ 9:31 AM                           Permalink
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40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful b*st*rds should remember fairies are female.....

Robin
www.robin.me.uk
"Posthabui tamen illorum mea seria ludo"

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