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Posted By Discussion Topic: Some more jokes I've heard

Similar Threads That Might Help :
A Joke I've Heard (2)| Some POLITICAL Jokes I've Heard|

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zacthedog
Jul-22-2010 @ 7:38 PM                           Permalink
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Mardles sometimes
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burglar broke into a boat one night. He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is
watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself
a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began
searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came
to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you!"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of people would name their bird Moses?"


"Those same kind of people that would name their rottweiler Jesus."  
    


Gary
1hr 30mins 60mls away
forum girly swot 19/3/2010

zacthedog
Jul-22-2010 @ 7:39 PM                           Permalink
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Mardles sometimes
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from Sailing Magazine:

After one particularly difficult passage, a famous cruising couple find themselves at the Pearly Gates, where their lines are taken by St. Peter himself.

"There doesn't seem to be much record of you, good or bad," he says, "so I'm going to let you decide for yourselves whether you go to heaven or hell."

First let me describe them for you. On the one hand, you could spend eternity in cramped quarters, your beds a few inches shorter than you are tall, your food and water always rationed, and a shower something you could only dream of."

"And what about hell?" the couple asked.  
      


Gary
1hr 30mins 60mls away
forum girly swot 19/3/2010

zacthedog
Jul-22-2010 @ 7:47 PM                           Permalink
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Mardles sometimes
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Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship.
He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
    "Change yours ten degrees west," comes the reply.
The captain responds, "I'm a United States Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
    "I'm a seaman second class," the next message reads. "Change your course, sir."
The captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
    "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

Gary
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forum girly swot 19/3/2010

zacthedog
Jul-22-2010 @ 7:54 PM                           Permalink
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Mardles sometimes
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How many boaters does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because the right size bulb isn't on board, the local marine-supply store doesn't carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.

When is a boat not a boat? - when it's aground.



Gary
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forum girly swot 19/3/2010

lovejoy54
Jul-22-2010 @ 8:34 PM                           Permalink
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here is a topical joke , guy goes to yarmouth on his first day as a prawn fisherman " he asks the boss "any chance of a sub no way says the boss you get a dinghy like the others !!!"

if wishes were horses beggars would ride.
roy haslam

LEECHY41171
Jul-22-2010 @ 9:13 PM                           Permalink
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For my sons Birthday we bought him an iPod, my daughter had an iPhone for hers and for my Birthday I was pleased to receive an iPad. Thinking along the same lines I got my wife an iRon - ungrateful cow hasn't spoke to me since.

I may be slow but I'm ahead of you

easyrider
Jul-22-2010 @ 9:20 PM                           Permalink
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Leechy you may be slow but your definately not ahead of me. I posted that joke on page 37 Playful Wink

all the best
           Jim
"experientia docet"

LEECHY41171
Jul-22-2010 @ 9:31 PM                           Permalink
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OOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPS  maybe i should check back a few pages next time...Doh!!!!!! Blush

I may be slow but I'm ahead of you

jaguar
Jul-22-2010 @ 9:36 PM                           Permalink
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Mardles sometimes
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old man 87 goes to doctor, "doctor im worried, im not enjoying sex any more","when did you find this out?" said the doc."twice last night and once this morning" said the old man.


regards,Mike


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easyrider
Jul-24-2010 @ 11:24 AM                           Permalink
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An army captain takes his post in Iraq. "Whats this camel doing tied up outside the barracks soldier?" Soldier replies "There are 250 men here and no women, sometimes the men get 'urges' sir". A month later the captain has urges of his own. He puts a ladder up behind the camel, climbs up it and does the business. "Is that how the men do it soldier?" "No sir! they usually ride it into town to meet the local women"

all the best
           Jim
"experientia docet"

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