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Posted By Discussion Topic: Some more jokes I've heard

Similar Threads That Might Help :
A Joke I've Heard (2)| Some POLITICAL Jokes I've Heard|

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Ronaldo
Sep-29-2007 @ 7:04 PM                           Permalink
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Life in the Australian Army...



Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know,
Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far

south west of Queensland)





Dear Mum & Dad,


I am well.  Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that
the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bl--dy
quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get
outta bed until 6am.   But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do
before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.   No
bl==dy cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!   Ya
haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water
and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or
possum stew like wot Mum makes.  You don't get fed again until noon and by
that time all the city boys are bu----ed because we've been on a 'route
march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back
paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter.   I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why.   The bullseye is as big as a
bl==dy possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like
the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows
before the Ekka last year!   All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable
and hit the target - it's a piece of p--s!!   You don't even load your own
cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself
against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack
and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the
muster.


Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin'
wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bl--dy good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila.



RONALDO = Long before the other one!!

Mod Edit to reaffirm thread as a "sticky"

This message was edited by roya on Feb-26-09 @ 8:21 PM

jaguar
Sep-29-2007 @ 7:11 PM                           Permalink
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Mardles sometimes
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to qoute someone we know  "blimey,spot on"

mike

"it was the best butter"said the mad hatter.
STINKIES UNITED.

roya
Sep-30-2007 @ 9:23 AM                           Permalink
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That is my most favourite joke of the year.
More more Ron.
Wink

roya

Bittern code 57.

Have you smiled today???
if not why not!!

This message was edited by roya on Oct-6-07 @ 8:06 AM

scuba
Sep-30-2007 @ 12:07 PM                           Permalink
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Just to add to joke thread.
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having  a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner boat to perform. It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuver, no matter how much power was applied.  After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.            
        REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE.....                Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.   Smile

________
"Accept that some days you’re the pigeon; and some days you’re the statue”. Smile

Ronaldo
Sep-30-2007 @ 3:20 PM                           Permalink
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Subject: Frogs








  





A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)




The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day




RONALDO = Long before the other one!!

roya
Sep-30-2007 @ 3:49 PM                           Permalink
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Ron and Scuba,
spot on more please.
Smile

roya

Bittern code 57.

Have you smiled today???
if not why not!!

    

Ronaldo
Sep-30-2007 @ 3:52 PM                           Permalink
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Tale of Two Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The
prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I
wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and
behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam
away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably
does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates
simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize

that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought

perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He
approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn
cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he
realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set
off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old
friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."










(You're going to love this.....)




















"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."


RONALDO = Long before the other one!!

roya
Sep-30-2007 @ 4:01 PM                           Permalink
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Just a thought.
Richard what about putting some of the suitable jokes on the reverse of the Broads calender pages.

Superb Broads photos with a little joke on the back.
Member input needed.

or is it a no go.

roya

Bittern code 57.

Have you smiled today???
if not why not!!

    

scuba
Sep-30-2007 @ 5:02 PM                           Permalink
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Two cargo ships collided head-on in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico.
The cargo of the eastbound ship contained machine parts, hand tools and
135,000 gallons of red paint. The westbound ship was loaded with computer
parts, electronic testers and 37,000 gallons of brown paint. Thanks to
superior survival training, not a man or officer was lost, even though both
ships split apart and sank to the bottom.

The question: what happened to the survivors before their rescue three days later?

The answer: They were all marooned!


Single young lady seeks older boat owning gentleman. Send picture of boat.

Man invented the slowest form of transportation - the sailboat - then decided to race them


________
"Accept that some days you’re the pigeon; and some days you’re the statue”. Smile

Speleologist
Sep-30-2007 @ 6:41 PM                           Permalink
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The Perfect Couple


Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect  woman met.

After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side
of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer)



















































Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.


**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling.



































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving.

This explains why there was a car accident.

Men Keep scrolling





























By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:

Women never listen!!

Robin
www.robin.me.uk

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